Problems reassuring others and only being able to relate with them

Hylian

Does anyone else find it hard to emotionally support others, and even when you try you have problems doing anything beyond relating with them, as everything else feels insincere and like you're just being sappy?

I know a lot of autistic people find it easier to give advice and practical solutions to problems, but even when I manage to not do that it's hard to just comfort someone. It's much easier for me to relate with them than reassure them. I don't like that though, as it looks like I'm trying to make the situation about me, while I'm just trying to support them and let them know they're not alone.

My friends don't have problems with me doing this, they do it too, but it upsets other people sometimes and makes them angry with me.

If you have a similar issue, have you found ways to work on just comforting people? How do you get over the feeling of awkwardness and insincerity when trying to do so?

Tem

Ha, we all do the self disclosure stuff all the time.
Practice will make you feel less awkward, and genuinely wanting to understand will help you not to focus on your own reference points you use to help you now.
Feeling more expansive towards the person too.
Empathy isn't the easiest skill to master especially if you are not really feeling it or are already emotionally tired/exhausted.
I wrote this without my glasses so have no idea if there are mistakes, please excuse.

Isabella

First of all @Hylian, I can assure you that you've never come across as insincere, sappy, or overly focused on relating to other people's posts. You share relevant observations based on your own life but I always feel supported, just knowing that you heard me and understood. You also demonstrate empathy / sympathy enough to support others. I don't know how fake you're feeling behind the scenes (lol) but it doesn't show.

Of course you're talking about your real life and not so much about online interactions.

I do have a similar issue. I've found the best way to comfort others is to listen to their concerns without invalidating with simple solutions or by telling the person their problem could be worse / isn't actually anything to worry about. (I've never seen you do this, by the way). I might ask a few questions, or even just restate what they've expressed in my own words to demonstrate that I've heard them ("You're feeling stressed because a,b,c ... Has this happened to you before?") etc. When I'm online I try to read the OP carefully to see if there are specific questions already there, that I can answer.

I tend to relate to almost everything in one way or another and I often give my own anecdotes too, because I think that's a common way to feel or express empathy especially for those of us who are ND.

As a trauma survivor the main thing I appreciate from friends is for them to remind me they care, that they are there if I need to vent, and that I'm safe in the relationship.

I hope this helps. I'm no expert, that's for sure, but I think you sound like a very sincere and caring friend.

Amity

I think it helps us to have a deeper empathetic response if we can relate to a persons struggles, also as autistic people how we relate to and communicate with other people is generally different to the norm, I feel there should be some allowance for this when interacting with someone seeking support.

Tem

I would say just listen, and I mean really hear what they are saying, this is an art in itself and can show the person you care and that you are a safe and comforting ally.

If you restate(relflection/paraphrase) what the person has said use this for if you genuinely are not quite getting it or you want them to know you understand what they are going through. If not don't use it and again just listen.

Read some stuff on active listening, this is a good start to honing your skills with people and less is often more.

Tem

Don't forget the cost to you Hilian too, if you are trying to emotionally support others you need a reasonable supply of emotional energy.

You can't save everyone or support everyone.

I also agree with Issy and Amity above, you are a star already and very supportive on here as well as irl going by your posts.

I would be so proud of you if you were my son and sometimes I get tears in my eyes when I read how thoughtful and loving you are.

Edited to include Issy as it may have invoked confusion.

Hylian

Thank you guys for the help!

I do try to practice active listening, but maybe that's partly where my problem relating comes from, as I don't know how else to show the other person I'm listening to them. The ideas of just restating, instead of relating, and also asking questions seem very useful.

All of the suggestions were very helpful and I'm going to look for more tips on how to show people I'm actively listening to them, now that I have a better idea of what to look for.

Tem

The only person who can tell you if you have heard them is the speaker so asking them if you have heard them correctly and saying what you heard is just one way..
There are social cues (yuk) that we give off too.
You might want to concentrate on one thing at a time.
Active listening is an actual thing, basic listening skills are taught in education settings. I wonder if there are some free online learning courses or where you are already attending?
Once you get the hang of it these skills will serve you for life.

ting1984

I'm not only bad at reassuring, I also often can't relate to others -- so if someone is going through something I haven't directly experienced myself, or understand, I can't give the needed support. I lack cognitive empathy. I do have affective empathy -- if I see someone hurt, then I hurt -- but I can't take on other people's mental states and feelings if they're something I'm not familiar with myself.