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Borderline Personality Disorder

Does anyone here have BPD, or traits of it? How long have you known about your condition/traits, and what problems do you have due to it? Also, do you have a "favourite person"? How do you deal with having a "favourite person"?

I've been vaguely aware that I have traits of BPD since I was around 19. I pretty much forcefully ignored that fact though, due to the stigma associated with it + my refusal to accept some of my behaviours as being that problematic for me and other people.

I have pretty significant issues with emotion regulation due to my traumatic childhood, and have severe attachment + insecurity issues due to the neglect and isolation that I experienced then. I experience intense mood swings, and am constantly in intense emotional pain that causes me to resort to engaging in increasingly self destructive behaviours to "cope" (self harming, using drugs, excessive masturbation and pornography use, etc.).

I have never really had a "stable" relationship of any kind in 22 years, and I find it hard to keep my feelings about other people "stable". I am constantly ready to be rejected and thrown away by other people over minor things, so if I perceive even potential rejection I preemptively become upset and withdraw from the person to avoid having to deal with it. I can also be passive aggressive depending on if I think the other person is intentionally treating me badly. I find this behaviour really embarrassing and disgusting, and try to rationalize with myself to avoid it which can sometimes be really hard, especially with how intensely upset I get.

The past few months I started seriously rethinking the possibility of having BPD/traits of it because of my relationship with a friend from work. I think they're what's referred to as a "favourite person" to me. I became close to them and attached to them relatively quickly, because we're close in age, have similar interests, both have autism, etc. I also developed an intense crush on them because they were being increasingly affectionate to me and I'm very attention starved.

I find it very hard to regulate my interactions with them, and regulate my thoughts and feelings towards them. I constantly want to talk to them (I try to limit it though to give them space and I think I do OK at that most of the time) and think about talking to them and doing things with them. I get really upset (I try to not show it, but I can withdraw which makes it obvious anyways) if I perceive them rejecting me or something I've done.

Things were mostly fine though, until a month or two ago when they started acting odd after we hung out outside of work for the second time. I got really scared that I had done something wrong and that they had finally decided they were bored with me/didn't like me anymore, and were withdrawing from me, so I started to shift between withdrawing from them and occasionally attempting to see if I could get any positive attention from them. When my attempts failed I would get upset and withdraw more. I also started engaging in self destructive behaviours such as drinking alcohol and cutting myself more to cope with how irrationally miserable it made me feel (which I attempted to hide from my friend and family members, I did NOT use them to get attention).

After awhile I also started behaving passive aggressively because the situation didn't get better (obviously??? lmao), and it was confusing me because they would switch between giving me positive attention and then absolutely no attention, which I started thinking was intentional (they have their own personal relationship and mental health problems that I'm sure are actually why they behaved like that). This continued until they ghosted me + ignored me w/o warning/clarification when we were supposed to do something together, and I broke down and tried to minimize my contact with them for a few days + was inconsolable and continued to engage more in self destructive habits. After that I felt really guilty and like a crazy idiot (because I am one...), so I apologized for being horrible to them while they're dealing with their own problems, and promised to try to figure out how to regulate my behaviour better, which lead to me dwelling on this entire event and similar events I've had with people throughout my adolesence and adulthood.

Now I've started to acknowledge the fact that I at least have a lot of traits of BPD, and that I need to figure out how to cope w/ them before I continue to unnecessarily destroy my relationships with people that I care about and eventually end up severely harming or killing myself due to my bad coping mechanisms. I still find it hard to accept this though because of the intense stigma associated with BPD, and the fact I don't want to be treated like I am inherently manipulative + lack remorse for my misbehaviour (which isn't true and is another reason why I withdraw from people, because I don't want to react in a worse way and hurt them).

(I guess I'll add a little disclaimer: After posting this on other forums I'd appreciate it if people w/o BPD didn't make a lot of comparisons to extremely abusive people they've met with it, and attempt to assert that because I have remorse and trauma that I can't have BPD. It shows a severe lack of understanding of BPD (which involves many different behaviours and occurs due to severe trauma) beyond a few personal, stereotypical experiences and is not helpful + honestly makes me feel really sick to my stomach being compared to that stuff.)

Comments

  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    Hi Hylian, good to see you again ☺

    I dont have BPD though I considered if I had it pre-Autism identification, I feel for you, the trauma, the pain, the sadness, the lack of control over this happening to you and on its continued impact on how you relate to others... Many hugs for these difficult experiences.

    I remember when I started to reframe my thoughts about Autism, I used words like deficits, bad, poor, delayed etc, I cant help but notice a similar theme in your post, the internalised (often uneducated) perceptions didnt belong to me, but it took time to come to peace with who I am. The process of editing my identity, my self perception, in a compassionate and loving way is still ongoing.

    Go gentle with yourself, this is a huge period of realisation, take your time, all meaningful or lasting change moves at a slow pace.

    Another place that I feel your pain acutely is in the fact that in childhood you experienced abuse, you didnt choose to be treated as you were, yet now in adulthood all responsibility for how you experience the world as a direct result rests on your shoulders alone. Its BS.

    Its one long hard battle, and completely unfair, I often struggle with the injustice of it, at times its exhausting, yet as I look around so many others share the same burden. I look to history, and trauma in its relative nature has always accompanied humanity. In my low moments I take comfort from this, if trauma could destroy us then humanity would not have the diversity that exists within it.
    There is hope that the pain is survivable, history seems to tell me that it is, that it can be endured and we can learn to co-exist with things we can not change.
    We can take control of what is within our contextual power to do so and effect change in those ways.

    Go gentle with yourself H, from my perspective you are someone I admire and respect, and if it takes you a lifetime to find your place, then it may similar to how I experience it, time well spent meandering at my own pace, finding peace along the way.
  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    Hi, Amity. It's nice to see you, too. :) I really need to post here more often.

    I also have been aware that I have some pretty concerning, BPD-esque behaviours for 3 years, but made myself ignore it because of the stigma associated with BPD. I've spent the entire time trying to figure out what else could explain my issues, so I could not have to face the fact I could ever possibly have a disorder that's talked about or could make someone act so horribly, but I think now is a crucial time for me to start facing it, especially since I'm falling into old behaviours + thought patterns and doing very self destructive things that might lead to me really hurting myself.

    I also am trying to not be negative towards myself, but I truly feel absolutely crazy the more I try to actually recognize and think about my problems relating to this. I've been quiet about them for years and made myself internalize most of it, but really thinking about some of the shit I used to do and what still comes to mind when I feel rejected, insecure, or lonely is kind of disgusting. Some of it is truly unhinged, like often getting the urge to self harm in obvious ways or threaten to do so to even just get negative attention from people or prevent abandonment. I also can become extremely suicidal due to perceived rejection, and was intentionally trying to drink myself to death after my friend ghosted our plans. I attempt to suppress these things and not engage in them, because I know they're fucked up and completely abnormal reactions, but it can be very hard especially because I've been not doing good mentally for a long time, and mixing it all with increased drug use is making my judgment and impulse control not so great.

    I also experienced constant severe trauma and isolation for so long that now it seems like my brain just refuses to function right. I deal with massive mood swings with no warning or reason, and my default emotion is now intense, debilitating depression and emptiness. I now spend a lot of my free time drunk and/or high and self harming to cope with the emptiness, and with the intense anger I often feel from the mood swings. I also have very intense, but internalized reactions to perceived slights or rejection, and those things can ruin my whole day despite me making active attempts to rationalize with myself and calm down.

    I really hate all of these reactions and behaviours, which is why I haven't admitted to them and have talked about most of them with absolutely no one for years. I am terrified of engaging in them, and behaving in manipulative ways like my parents and becoming nothing but an emotional drain on the other people in my life. I'm going to try to go to therapy again and be actually honest about all of this so I can try to remedy it, but I'm scared that if they recognize BPD traits that they will drop me as a patient, and just tell me I'm too far gone and untreatable. I don't think I'd react well to that and that I would possibly hurt myself over it. I've been trying to look into DBT though, because it seems to be useful for people with both autism and BPD, but I'm not really sure how to get into that, and I'm sure that finding a therapist that provides it and has openings and that I can afford is going to be hard.
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    I don't think they can drop you as a patient on a diagnosis.
    The question I would ask yourself as far as BPD is "Am I in unbearable emotional pain"
    From what I know about BPD is that those that suffer from it are described as "emotional burn victims" meaning everything is expendentially more painful emotionally like the way a burn victim experiences physical irritation.
  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    I do feel like I'm in constant, intense emotional pain, and like everything is amplified. I feel things very strongly, especially negative emotions, and have a really hard time regulating my feelings.

    I've often wondered if my brain is "broken" or something since I was 15-16, because my default emotional state has been that unbearable emptiness, which sometimes literally physically hurts. It fucking sucks so bad, and if I didn't use drugs and alcohol to "cope" with it I would have definitely given up and offed myself a long time ago.
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    Hylian said:
    I do feel like I'm in constant, intense emotional pain, and like everything is amplified. I feel things very strongly, especially negative emotions, and have a really hard time regulating my feelings.

    I've often wondered if my brain is "broken" or something since I was 15-16, because my default emotional state has been that unbearable emptiness, which sometimes literally physically hurts. It fucking sucks so bad, and if I didn't use drugs and alcohol to "cope" with it I would have definitely given up and offed myself a long time ago.
    That could be very well borderline personality ,try to get help and don't drug and drink because I did that and it ruined me.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    Hylian said:
    I do feel like I'm in constant, intense emotional pain, and like everything is amplified. I feel things very strongly, especially negative emotions, and have a really hard time regulating my feelings.

    I've often wondered if my brain is "broken" or something since I was 15-16, because my default emotional state has been that unbearable emptiness, which sometimes literally physically hurts. It fucking sucks so bad, and if I didn't use drugs and alcohol to "cope" with it I would have definitely given up and offed myself a long time ago.

    You have insight. Many people don't have personal insight and that would be a step they would have to go through first. So having that knowledge put you at an advantage in getting better.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    Statest16 said:
    I don't think they can drop you as a patient on a diagnosis.
    The question I would ask yourself as far as BPD is "Am I in unbearable emotional pain"
    From what I know about BPD is that those that suffer from it are described as "emotional burn victims" meaning everything is expendentially more painful emotionally like the way a burn victim experiences physical irritation.

    There are ethical guideline that have to be followed that wouldn't be a good enough reason to drop someone, though if they felt that had to for personal reason, etc they still have a duty of care such as ensuring they get refereed on, etc.

  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    verity said:
    Statest16 said:
    I don't think they can drop you as a patient on a diagnosis.


    There are ethical guideline that have to be followed that wouldn't be a good enough reason to drop someone, though if they felt that had to for personal reason, etc they still have a duty of care such as ensuring they get refereed on, etc.

    I know ,thats what I said !
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    I was just confirming your point based on what Amity has learnt.
  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    I'm just scared because I've heard of so many horror stories of people with BPD/BPD traits being dropped by multiple therapists and being refused treatment just because they're viewed as untreatable due to their diagnosis. That's another reason why I never mentioned any of this when I was in therapy, because I was really scared to ruin my relationship with my therapists and have them scrutinize everything I said or have them drop me. I feel like if I was honest I would be seen as "too much" for a lot of therapists or be viewed as manipulative and dishonest/attention seeking. Especially regarding having problems with self-harm and suicidal ideation, because some people act like that's all just attention seeking behaviour and needs to be ignored/scrutinized when BPD is involved, and from what I've been hearing from people with BPD and from what's happening in my case that's far from the truth.
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    Hylian said:
    I'm just scared because I've heard of so many horror stories of people with BPD/BPD traits being dropped by multiple therapists and being refused treatment just because they're viewed as untreatable due to their diagnosis. That's another reason why I never mentioned any of this when I was in therapy, because I was really scared to ruin my relationship with my therapists and have them scrutinize everything I said or have them drop me. I feel like if I was honest I would be seen as "too much" for a lot of therapists or be viewed as manipulative and dishonest/attention seeking. Especially regarding having problems with self-harm and suicidal ideation, because some people act like that's all just attention seeking behaviour and needs to be ignored/scrutinized when BPD is involved, and from what I've been hearing from people with BPD and from what's happening in my case that's far from the truth.
    BPD is more treatable than it was 20 years ago,20,30 years it was considered a hopeless situation but new medications have changed all that.
    There is great hope today for people with BPD and you won't lose your therapist.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen

    I would view it more like this.... Most councillors and therapists are person centred these days (not to be confused with life coaches). It isn't really their job to 'cure' you of BPD or not, they are there to help you in you  self discover and help process emotions, and help achieve goal you want.

    The exception those with directive protocol like CBT. Many will have in their arsenal however you would have to want to take more directive approach and be ready for it, they aren't going to impose it on you.

    Mosts these days are multi protocol. They actually do specific train in how to tailor hybrid solutions to individuals.  

    Typically if a therapist can't offer you soemthign specific, they aren't forced to. What they woudl do instead is put you on other resources or possibly a course, etc.

    Therapist will be constantly reading up on new things and will be wanting to understand an help. If they believe they are providing something of value to you, they are not going to drop you. It is not a case that is f you have one label then that is it. Or at least those that have that attitude should not be practising.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    edited February 2023
    BPD is often treated with CBT like protocol called DBT.

    However you shoudl shoudl view a condition as a set of traits a model if you like, it is not the whole person.  If you get soemthing out of counselling continue with it.

    Also you should express your concerns with your councillor/therapist, in a way that would be easiest.  
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    You said that you have experienced trauma, so that can present itself in various way, and most likely you will go through a process of self discovery, thsi is part of it and progress.
  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    That all makes sense. I really hope that I can get something out of therapy that will help me figure out how to regulate my emotions better, and maybe be less insecure. I'd love to not have to be reliant on drugs and self harming to regulate myself, and to have more stable relationships.

    I have to wait a couple months for the referral my doctor put in to go through to see a therapist though and I'm very anxious about it. I'm not really sure what to do until then, and I'm worried I'll end up having an actual crisis before then.
  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    I understand your fears Hylian, we are at our most vulnerable when seeking talk therapy, it takes weeks for me to trust a new therapist, I fear the experience of more treatment related trauma.

    Something to consider... while you have suspected BPD for some time, you are now for the first time, considering its probability in a real way. This is significant, how you react in this initial stage is likely a reflection of the confusion and enormity of the experiences you are processing, how you respond now, could be very different to how you will react to the same thoughts and feelings if given the space and opportunity to process this at a slower pace.

    Your feelings at this stage are valid and real, I think this is very important after denying them for the last few years, that must have taken a toll on your health?

    You are moving from a place of avoidance and denial to preparing for a place of acceptance and maybe even hope for improvement long term. This is a massive step, it doesnt matter how long it took, you moved at the pace you were able to.





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