Advice for dealing with anger issues and angry thoughts

ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
What advice do you have for dealing with anger issues and angry thoughts, I struggle with them an awful lot; I am actually recovering from one I had a few minutes ago. I tend to get really angry and start hitting and smacking things, even my iPad and iPhone, I don’t know what to do to stop.

One thing that really triggers the anger is when people don’t listen to me or take me seriously, that and the thought and memory of such experiences really sets me off.

What advice do you have for this?

Comments

  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    edited December 2022
    A lot of these frustrations are built-up over time. Especially if you don't have a constructive outlet for pent up frustration. Martial arts or physical activity can sometimes help with he right attitude. This worked in my case. being humbled helps. Letting go of ego a little can help.

    One perspective I have is you can only  dedicate so much time and emotional energy to holding onto historical frustration with people or yourself and from plenty experience it is just not worth it. I'm aware of this but even I have my moments still.  You can make yourself ill by not letting go of some of that. I know these patterns can sometime be difficult to break, ultimately you want to feel better not worse.

    The fact that you are willing to discuss your anger is good. It is normal have these frustrations it more how you act on them, you can discuss with some people constructively, but in some cases it is not worth doing that.

    Another reason why anger builds is as a response to stress or threat. If we feel stress, or are threatened a natural reaction to that is the fight response. Flight and freeze are also possible. But at a certain point he amount of stress you are under is going to result in anger, and many people like myself tend to ruminate on on pasted wrongs or frustrations. But think of this more as an expression of your overall anger rather then a literal reaction to those things in the past.

    Relationships with anger where there is dysfunctional communication and sniping this usually occur becuase they develop negative patterns of communication, and poor coping strategies, it is not just about the topic they are arguing about. As willingness to accommodate the other has to be mutual.

    Another perspective one, that is a hard sell, is to consider that sometimes what you want out of someone else you might not be providing that to them or what you think you are providing to the relationship. Being "self centred" is not always intentional but common reaction to stress, it can be that you get stuck in your  thoughts inward, when that is interrupted it can feel like an incursion.

    I would say though it is hard to tell for sure what woudl work for you, you might benefit form talking to a councillor. Just having someone to talk to about it who is neutral and not family or friends, can provide a good outlet, and often he most effective means.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    It could be that you might organise your life in such a way that you you be more like to interact with other is a way that is less frustrating, and try to reduce negative interactions.  Not hat you have cut everyone out just think about the way an mean of iterations, and time frame. So you can be your best self and more relaxed.
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    edited December 2022
    Claritas said:
    What advice do you have for dealing with anger issues and angry thoughts, I struggle with them an awful lot; I am actually recovering from one I had a few minutes ago. I tend to get really angry and start hitting and smacking things, even my iPad and iPhone, I don’t know what to do to stop.

    One thing that really triggers the anger is when people don’t listen to me or take me seriously, that and the thought and memory of such experiences really sets me off.

    What advice do you have for this?
    As you being a Catholic I could recomend reading the Psalms,the T'hilim the songs of King David and his muse Asaf ,these can bring great comfort.https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+82&version=NCB

    Although much is lost in translation the Psalms in the original language are much more poetic ,I posted Psalm 82 from the Catholic Bible




  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    edited December 2022
    There are things you can do from a self help pov, really it depends on where you are at, are you ready for change, is it something you want to do? Or feel you should/ought/must do?

    Has it got to a point where you realised that you have to address the anger before it obstructs you from living in sync with your goals and values? Maybe it is already obstructing you?

    It's best to be honest with yourself, then it could be possible for you to build on a realistic foundation. The motivation for change needs to be genuinely internal, I believe especially so for Autistic folk.

    Otherwise the self help work begins (IMO) with building to the point of being honestly ready for change.

    Our energy is too precious to waste it on 'doing the right thing' before we are genuinely ready to commit to a path of change.

  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    Statest16 said:
    Claritas said:
    What advice do you have for dealing with anger issues and angry thoughts, I struggle with them an awful lot; I am actually recovering from one I had a few minutes ago. I tend to get really angry and start hitting and smacking things, even my iPad and iPhone, I don’t know what to do to stop.

    One thing that really triggers the anger is when people don’t listen to me or take me seriously, that and the thought and memory of such experiences really sets me off.

    What advice do you have for this?
    As you being a Catholic I could recomend reading the Psalms,the T'hilim the songs of King David and his muse Asaf ,these can bring great comfort.https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm+82&version=NCB

    Although much is lost in translation the Psalms in the original language are much more poetic ,I posted Psalm 82 from the Catholic Bible




    Thanks, I'll try that.
  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    Amity said:
    There are things you can do from a self help pov, really it depends on where you are at, are you ready for change, is it something you want to do? Or feel you should/ought/must do?

    Has it got to a point where you realised that you have to address the anger before it obstructs you from living in sync with your goals and values? Maybe it is already obstructing you?

    It's best to be honest with yourself, then it could be possible for you to build on a realistic foundation. The motivation for change needs to be genuinely internal, I believe especially so for Autistic folk.

    Otherwise the self help work begins (IMO) with building to the point of being honestly ready for change.

    Our energy is too precious to waste it on 'doing the right thing' before we are genuinely ready to commit to a path of change.

    I do want to change, especially considering I'm 31 and have no family of my own, no job, and I don't even own my own home; but I don't know how to, I don't know what to do to change the thoughts and actions so I can go forward.

    I mean I am doing other things elsewhere in my life in regards to going forward, committing myself to cleaning my house, working on my literary ideas and so on, and trying to be more socially open in public (though I still struggle with that), but when comes to getting angry, lashing-out in the like, I really struggle with that.
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    Claritas said:






    Thanks, I'll try that.
    If you learn Hebrew the Psalms are even more poetic but thats your choice.If your ever intereted in anything Biblical give me hollar!
  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    Statest16 said:
    Claritas said:






    Thanks, I'll try that.
    If you learn Hebrew the Psalms are even more poetic but thats your choice.If your ever intereted in anything Biblical give me hollar!
    Thanks, I'll keep that in mind.
  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    Claritas said:
    Amity said:
    There are things you can do from a self help pov, really it depends on where you are at, are you ready for change, is it something you want to do? Or feel you should/ought/must do?

    Has it got to a point where you realised that you have to address the anger before it obstructs you from living in sync with your goals and values? Maybe it is already obstructing you?

    It's best to be honest with yourself, then it could be possible for you to build on a realistic foundation. The motivation for change needs to be genuinely internal, I believe especially so for Autistic folk.

    Otherwise the self help work begins (IMO) with building to the point of being honestly ready for change.

    Our energy is too precious to waste it on 'doing the right thing' before we are genuinely ready to commit to a path of change.

    I do want to change, especially considering I'm 31 and have no family of my own, no job, and I don't even own my own home; but I don't know how to, I don't know what to do to change the thoughts and actions so I can go forward.

    I mean I am doing other things elsewhere in my life in regards to going forward, committing myself to cleaning my house, working on my literary ideas and so on, and trying to be more socially open in public (though I still struggle with that), but when comes to getting angry, lashing-out in the like, I really struggle with that.
    I don’t know how to change! Someone please! Tell me how to change?! I don’t know how much more I can take this!
  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    Claritas said:
    Claritas said:
    Amity said:
    There are things you can do from a self help pov, really it depends on where you are at, are you ready for change, is it something you want to do? Or feel you should/ought/must do?

    Has it got to a point where you realised that you have to address the anger before it obstructs you from living in sync with your goals and values? Maybe it is already obstructing you?

    It's best to be honest with yourself, then it could be possible for you to build on a realistic foundation. The motivation for change needs to be genuinely internal, I believe especially so for Autistic folk.

    Otherwise the self help work begins (IMO) with building to the point of being honestly ready for change.

    Our energy is too precious to waste it on 'doing the right thing' before we are genuinely ready to commit to a path of change.

    I do want to change, especially considering I'm 31 and have no family of my own, no job, and I don't even own my own home; but I don't know how to, I don't know what to do to change the thoughts and actions so I can go forward.

    I mean I am doing other things elsewhere in my life in regards to going forward, committing myself to cleaning my house, working on my literary ideas and so on, and trying to be more socially open in public (though I still struggle with that), but when comes to getting angry, lashing-out in the like, I really struggle with that.
    I don’t know how to change! Someone please! Tell me how to change?! I don’t know how much more I can take this!

    What do you think of Verity's suggestion?
    It could be that you might organise your life in such a way that you you be more like to interact with other is a way that is less frustrating, and try to reduce negative interactions.

    How could you achieve this?
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    Claritas said:

    I don’t know how to change! Someone please! Tell me how to change?! I don’t know how much more I can take this!
    Are you on any meds,have you ever tried anti anxiety meds that could have a calming affect?
  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    Statest16 said:
    Claritas said:

    I don’t know how to change! Someone please! Tell me how to change?! I don’t know how much more I can take this!
    Are you on any meds,have you ever tried anti anxiety meds that could have a calming affect?
    My parents gave me meds as a teenager, all it was was a bandaid solution, it taught me to bottle-up my emotions rather than cope with them.
  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    Amity said:
    Claritas said:
    Claritas said:
    Amity said:
    There are things you can do from a self help pov, really it depends on where you are at, are you ready for change, is it something you want to do? Or feel you should/ought/must do?

    Has it got to a point where you realised that you have to address the anger before it obstructs you from living in sync with your goals and values? Maybe it is already obstructing you?

    It's best to be honest with yourself, then it could be possible for you to build on a realistic foundation. The motivation for change needs to be genuinely internal, I believe especially so for Autistic folk.

    Otherwise the self help work begins (IMO) with building to the point of being honestly ready for change.

    Our energy is too precious to waste it on 'doing the right thing' before we are genuinely ready to commit to a path of change.

    I do want to change, especially considering I'm 31 and have no family of my own, no job, and I don't even own my own home; but I don't know how to, I don't know what to do to change the thoughts and actions so I can go forward.

    I mean I am doing other things elsewhere in my life in regards to going forward, committing myself to cleaning my house, working on my literary ideas and so on, and trying to be more socially open in public (though I still struggle with that), but when comes to getting angry, lashing-out in the like, I really struggle with that.
    I don’t know how to change! Someone please! Tell me how to change?! I don’t know how much more I can take this!

    What do you think of Verity's suggestion?
    It could be that you might organise your life in such a way that you you be more like to interact with other is a way that is less frustrating, and try to reduce negative interactions.

    How could you achieve this?
    I’m trying to, but I’m having a hard time figuring it out, and develop good habits.
  • ClaritasClaritas New Member, Citizen, Member
    This is straying from the topic a bit but, someone elsewhere recommended exercise as a way to deal with anger so I started doing that this morning; the thing is, it’s Advent and I’m fasting. I am having fish for lunch now just in case I need some extra nutrients and the like, but I still intend to fast for this season (and then feast at Christmastime); what are your recommendations for exercising while fasting? I still have stomach fat on me.
  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    Claritas said:
    Amity said:
    Claritas said:
    Claritas said:
    Amity said:
    There are things you can do from a self help pov, really it depends on where you are at, are you ready for change, is it something you want to do? Or feel you should/ought/must do?

    Has it got to a point where you realised that you have to address the anger before it obstructs you from living in sync with your goals and values? Maybe it is already obstructing you?

    It's best to be honest with yourself, then it could be possible for you to build on a realistic foundation. The motivation for change needs to be genuinely internal, I believe especially so for Autistic folk.

    Otherwise the self help work begins (IMO) with building to the point of being honestly ready for change.

    Our energy is too precious to waste it on 'doing the right thing' before we are genuinely ready to commit to a path of change.

    I do want to change, especially considering I'm 31 and have no family of my own, no job, and I don't even own my own home; but I don't know how to, I don't know what to do to change the thoughts and actions so I can go forward.

    I mean I am doing other things elsewhere in my life in regards to going forward, committing myself to cleaning my house, working on my literary ideas and so on, and trying to be more socially open in public (though I still struggle with that), but when comes to getting angry, lashing-out in the like, I really struggle with that.
    I don’t know how to change! Someone please! Tell me how to change?! I don’t know how much more I can take this!

    What do you think of Verity's suggestion?
    It could be that you might organise your life in such a way that you you be more like to interact with other is a way that is less frustrating, and try to reduce negative interactions.

    How could you achieve this?
    I’m trying to, but I’m having a hard time figuring it out, and develop good habits.

    I cant help with the exercise and diet question, not my strong point lol.

    If you first reduce the obvious frustrating situations. A detox as such...
    (Online activity where e.g. politics religion or advocacy are debated.
    These are triggers for everyone.)

    Finding a pattern for the underlying triggers will be more achievable without the other obvious triggers muddying the waters.

    You could be able to record in written format each time the anger triggering event takes place.

    This might help you to find a pattern.
    Once you can recognise the pattern, then perhaps you might recognise the thoughts (these can be words, images sensations, exist fleetingly, be really obvious.... its very individual) that you have before the anger kicks in, this will be key to the change process and could take a month to achieve this.

    I find that for myself, as just one example of an Autist, that I have the best outcomes when I don't rush, that when I go slowly, at my own pace, my Autistic self responds with integrity to change.

  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    I struggle with anger issues when I'm experiencing a manic/mixed episode due to my mood disorder. I say and do a lot of things that I regret and that I find very hard to control. When that happens I try to limit my interactions with specific people, and give myself a lot of time by myself. When I notice that I've started getting really irritable over something, I also try to convince myself to disengage and do something else that distracts me from thinking about it and from feeling the anger from it.

    I don't know if these things are actually healthy coping mechanisms, since sometimes I end up isolating myself or devoting myself to doing something at the detriment of taking care of other things, but they're the least harmful ways that I've figured out how to deal with anger problems. I'm also sure that they're probably more helpful and healthy when they're not needed because of problems dealing with a mood disorder. lol
  • I've found that the best way is to avoid angering situations. I get tired of being misunderstood as well; it seems that avoiding most social interactions or interacting mostly on a shallow level is best, possibly moving to a place that has a better culture (if a mismatch between your personality and culture is part of the problem). To actually resolve whatever problem made you angry is another solution, but there might not be a solution, especially if it's problems from past situations. I've found that I can temporarily distract myself with hobbies, but the anger always returns. Revenge is another option if you were wronged and there was no resolution. Not that I recommend you do anything illegal. And it might not even get rid of the anger. Ultimately you have to use your self-knowledge to figure out what will make you feel better; aside from that, just let time gradually push the memories into the past.
Sign In or Register to comment.