On the verge of leaving

I don't feel that I'm wanted here.

Comments

  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    Why do you feel this way Firemonkey,
    Has anything specific happened?
  • firemonkeyfiremonkey Citizen
    Lack of replies.  That's par for the course with forums for me. 95%+ of them I don't fit in. Feel socially rejected.
  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    We are a small community and new. Its likely that at times you wont get a lot of replies by comparison to a larger established forum.

    I know its not perfect, yet, it is civil without restrictions on the range of topics.

    I dont always have free time to reply and when I do I might prioritise someone going through a conflict, or an admin issue for example.

    I like you for what its worth, its why I personally reached out to you at the beginning, but due to my personal life and the quantity of social energy I have, Im not able, literally, to reply to everything.
  • Teach51Teach51 Citizen
    edited May 22
    @firemonkey:
    You are a very well liked and respected member of this community, I have to reinforce Amity's words, we are still a small forum, you were invited to join us specifically because you are held in very high esteem by all of us. I love your threads but I am not "gifted" nor particularly intellectually inclined so I read all of your threads and learn much from them but I don't always have anything pertinent to add to the very intellectual ones. Your presence here gives me a very good sense of well being and contributes much to the  purpose of this forum, which is to create something different  to existing forums, this is because of your kindness, gentleness, humility honesty and integrity.

  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    edited May 22
    I have seen some of your scientific posts  on autism get some responses.I would say keep trying my friend and don't give up.
  • Teach51Teach51 Citizen
    edited May 23
    Also most of us are here because we could not feel comfortable on others forums and didn't "fit" the rhetorical climate and are trying to build something better, more tolerant and inclusive. You, firemonkey, contribute much to the inclusive and non-judgemental climate that is developing here. I am wondering if you have been so badly burned on Twitter and other platforms that it is has shaken your self-confidence and sense of  personal validation on all forums? That would be understandable. All criticism sends me into a spin of self -doubt and insecurity because of my history of abuse and  ADD which often makes me do and say incredibly stupid things, then I ground myself, and am able to detect the source of my discomfort and self-soothe and reinforce my self-perception with the tools I am learning to implement when my CPTSD kicks in. Actually CPTSD obliterates who I am momentarily and I have to "retrieve" my sense of worth and all I have accomplished, despite all the forces that have worked against me in the past. I call it recalibrating my sense of self.
  • firemonkeyfiremonkey Citizen
    Teach51 said:
    Also we are all here because we could not feel comfortable on others forums and didn't "fit" the rhetorical climate and are trying to build something better, more tolerant and inclusive. You, firemonkey, contribute much to the inclusive and non-judgemental climate that is developing here. I am wondering if you have been so badly burned on Twitter and other platforms that it is has shaken your self-confidence and sense of  personal validation on all forums? That would be understandable. All criticism sends me into a spin of self -doubt and insecurity because of my history of abuse and  ADD which often makes me do and say incredibly stupid things, then I ground myself, and am able to detect the source of my discomfort and self-soothe and reinforce my self-perception with the tools I am learning to implement when my CPTSD kicks in. Actually CPTSD obliterates who I am momentarily and I have to "retrieve" my sense of worth and all I have accomplished, despite all the forces that have worked against me in the past. I call it recalibrating my sense of self.
    I've not had much trouble on Twitter and Facebook. Forums have been a mixed bag. The insecurity stems from being bullied as a teenager and socially rejected. My sense of worth is gossamer thin. I've never had a paid job. Couldn't cope with a voluntary job going round the wards with the hospital library not long after I got ill.Never went to uni as I got hospitalised at the start of the A level term.Most of my psych care has involved mental health professionals who've thought being critical & judgemental is an acceptable proxy for providing help &support. That's par for the course for those of  us with serious mental illness that much later get an ASD dx. I'd say all here have achieved far more than I ever have.

  • firemonkeyfiremonkey Citizen
    Teach51 said:
    @firemonkey:
    You are a very well liked and respected member of this community, I have to reinforce Amity's words, we are still a small forum, you were invited to join us specifically because you are held in very high esteem by all of us. I love your threads but I am not "gifted" nor particularly intellectually inclined so I read all of your threads and learn much from them but I don't always have anything pertinent to add to the very intellectual ones. Your presence here gives me a very good sense of well being and contributes much to the  purpose of this forum, which is to create something different  to existing forums, this is because of your kindness, gentleness, humility honesty and integrity.

    I was a mediocre student. Nowhere near being an academic high flier. Certainly nowhere near the stereotype of  the highly gifted individual .


    I don't always have a great deal of knowledge about the articles  I post. In that situation I post such an article on the basis that others may be more capable of understanding it than I am.


  • firemonkeyfiremonkey Citizen
    Statest16 said:
    I have seen some of your scientific posts  on autism get some responses.I would say keep trying my friend and don't give up.

    Thank you.
  • Teach51Teach51 Citizen
    edited May 22
    Teach51 said:
    Also many of us are  here because we could not feel comfortable on others forums and didn't "fit" the rhetorical climate and are trying to build something better, more tolerant and inclusive. You, firemonkey, contribute much to the inclusive and non-judgemental climate that is developing here. I am wondering if you have been so badly burned on Twitter and other platforms that it is has shaken your self-confidence and sense of  personal validation on all forums? That would be understandable. All criticism sends me into a spin of self -doubt and insecurity because of my history of abuse and  ADD which often makes me do and say incredibly stupid things, then I ground myself, and am able to detect the source of my discomfort and self-soothe and reinforce my self-perception with the tools I am learning to implement when my CPTSD kicks in. Actually CPTSD obliterates who I am momentarily and I have to "retrieve" my sense of worth and all I have accomplished, despite all the forces that have worked against me in the past. I call it recalibrating my sense of self.
    I've not had much trouble on Twitter and Facebook. Forums have been a mixed bag. The insecurity stems from being bullied as a teenager and socially rejected. My sense of worth is gossamer thin. I've never had a paid job. Couldn't cope with a voluntary job going round the wards with the hospital library not long after I got ill.Never went to uni as I got hospitalised at the start of the A level term.Most of my psych care has involved mental health professionals who've thought being critical & judgemental is an acceptable proxy for providing help &support. That's par for the course for those of  us with serious mental illness that much later get an ASD dx. I'd say all here have achieved far more than I ever have.

    I understand very well how you feel, it must be frustrating to have such a high intellectual ability and  feel in some ways unfulfilled but what I hear in your words is your inner strength despite the very serious challenges this lifetime has dealt you.
    You have your wonderful step-daughter who obviously loves you and respects you very much.

    I myself have blundered through life from one bad relationship to another but absolve myself completely from self-blame and regret because I didn't choose to be born post holocaust to emotionally damaged people, didn't choose ADD or CPTSD but all these things have made me value good friendship and realize that a good life is not necessarily what I can achieve for myself but how I can effect other people in a positive way, enjoy the things that are positive in life, as small as the taste of my coffee or the coolness of my air conditioner.
    My therapist practices the AEDP method, developed by Diana Fosha, it is an amazing interaction between therapist and client that is different to any method I have experienced. It is neither  judgmental nor  critical though I don't know if it would be available in the National Health in England, you could enquire though. I am posting a video where Diana Fosha explains the method. I have had much recovery regarding shame, trauma and self- perception.






  • firemonkeyfiremonkey Citizen
    I'd say I'm the classic  adaptive functioning far < IQ type. That can be problematic if its not picked up on . In that situation accusations of being lazy,obstructive, passive aggressive etc can easily be aimed at you.

    I struggle a lot with practical/technical tasks. My stepdaughter is a godsend when it comes to such tasks.  A paid for test at Cognifit revealed these problems- planning,non-verbal memory,hand-eye coordination,spatial perception & visual short term memory.
  • Teach51Teach51 Citizen
    How does lack of non-verbal memory impact your life firemonkey? Lack of technical skills is really tough in these technical times.
  • firemonkeyfiremonkey Citizen

    #8 Non-verbal memory

    The other cognitive domain for remembering information is very handily called non-verbal memory. This is everything that isn’t spoken, including:

    • Learning non-verbal cues, like body language and facial expressions
    • Recall of events or objects
    • Sense of direction and orientation
    • Understanding abstract concepts

    Difficulties with non-verbal memory can lead to simple things like forgetting where your keys are to something much more complex like struggling to navigate new situations.

    By measuring people’s abilities in each of these eight domains, we can build a better understanding of a person’s brain.

    All of us are naturally stronger in some domains than others.

    And when we struggle in a specific cognitive domain, we can often rely on our strengths in other ones to help us complete tasks that we find more challenging.

    https://cognassist.com/insights/the-domains-of-the-brain-2/


    I think this goes with my aphantasia and autobiographical memory deficits. I have difficulty giving detailed descriptions of past events. My sense of direction is poor.That means I don't go far on my own. 

    The poor sense of direction was possibly shaped by events a very long time ago.
    This is from 23andMe.


  • BenderBender Citizen
    Teach51 said:
    @firemonkey:
    You are a very well liked and respected member of this community, I have to reinforce Amity's words, we are still a small forum, you were invited to join us specifically because you are held in very high esteem by all of us. I love your threads but I am not "gifted" nor particularly intellectually inclined so I read all of your threads and learn much from them but I don't always have anything pertinent to add to the very intellectual ones. Your presence here gives me a very good sense of well being and contributes much to the  purpose of this forum, which is to create something different  to existing forums, this is because of your kindness, gentleness, humility honesty and integrity.

    I was a mediocre student. Nowhere near being an academic high flier. Certainly nowhere near the stereotype of  the highly gifted individual .


    I don't always have a great deal of knowledge about the articles  I post. In that situation I post such an article on the basis that others may be more capable of understanding it than I am.


    I second what Teach wrote. I've always liked your posts. Usually, I don't answer threads I feel I have nothing to contribute to, but I like how you're always driven by a desire to understand and know more. 

    I think we're the same generation and many people our age lost interest in the world or in learning new things. I really like that you still have an open and curious mind.
  • Teach51Teach51 Citizen

    #8 Non-verbal memory

    The other cognitive domain for remembering information is very handily called non-verbal memory. This is everything that isn’t spoken, including:

    • Learning non-verbal cues, like body language and facial expressions
    • Recall of events or objects
    • Sense of direction and orientation
    • Understanding abstract concepts

    Difficulties with non-verbal memory can lead to simple things like forgetting where your keys are to something much more complex like struggling to navigate new situations.

    By measuring people’s abilities in each of these eight domains, we can build a better understanding of a person’s brain.

    All of us are naturally stronger in some domains than others.

    And when we struggle in a specific cognitive domain, we can often rely on our strengths in other ones to help us complete tasks that we find more challenging.

    https://cognassist.com/insights/the-domains-of-the-brain-2/


    I think this goes with my aphantasia and autobiographical memory deficits. I have difficulty giving detailed descriptions of past events. My sense of direction is poor.That means I don't go far on my own. 

    The poor sense of direction was possibly shaped by events a very long time ago.
    This is from 23andMe.


    Thank you, I understand more now.
  • RobinRobin Member
    I have yet to find a forum where I feel at home too. I could see that this one aims to foster a different climate from some of the more prominent ones, as @Teach51 has explained. I myself sometimes feel torn. It is comforting and reassuring to read about others' experience where I can relate to it - and to see constructive and helpful responses. And yet I admit I sometimes feel alienated by what can seem like an indulgence in some of these difficulties - a tendency among some to pathologise experience and almost to exult in it. 

    I'm not oblivious to the limitations of online interaction. I know very little of other  members' circumstances and I realise that they may well be suffering. They are probably not actually delighting in their own autistic difficulties. But for me, identifiying those difficulties is not an end in itself: it's a necessary step towards understanding them and then finding ways of coping with them.

    It's a dilemma: how to find people who are resilient and determined enough to want to learn to live well, make the most of our autistic strengths and overcome or accept our difficulties where possible, but who can also express themselves authentically while avoiding the pitfalls of rumination and negative thinking that many of us (including myself!) can be prone to.
  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    Teach51 said:
    @firemonkey:
    You are a very well liked and respected member of this community, I have to reinforce Amity's words, we are still a small forum, you were invited to join us specifically because you are held in very high esteem by all of us. I love your threads but I am not "gifted" nor particularly intellectually inclined so I read all of your threads and learn much from them but I don't always have anything pertinent to add to the very intellectual ones. Your presence here gives me a very good sense of well being and contributes much to the  purpose of this forum, which is to create something different  to existing forums, this is because of your kindness, gentleness, humility honesty and integrity.

    I was a mediocre student. Nowhere near being an academic high flier. Certainly nowhere near the stereotype of  the highly gifted individual .


    I don't always have a great deal of knowledge about the articles  I post. In that situation I post such an article on the basis that others may be more capable of understanding it than I am.

    I sometimes dont have enough brain power left over to read academic articles, I do what work I have to do to pay the bills, but after I do that I frequently have very little energy.
  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen
    edited May 23
    Robin said:
    I have yet to find a forum where I feel at home too. I could see that this one aims to foster a different climate from some of the more prominent ones, as @Teach51 has explained. I myself sometimes feel torn. It is comforting and reassuring to read about others' experience where I can relate to it - and to see constructive and helpful responses. And yet I admit I sometimes feel alienated by what can seem like an indulgence in some of these difficulties - a tendency among some to pathologise experience and almost to exult in it. 

    I'm not oblivious to the limitations of online interaction. I know very little of other  members' circumstances and I realise that they may well be suffering. They are probably not actually delighting in their own autistic difficulties. But for me, identifiying those difficulties is not an end in itself: it's a necessary step towards understanding them and then finding ways of coping with them.

    It's a dilemma: how to find people who are resilient and determined enough to want to learn to live well, make the most of our autistic strengths and overcome or accept our difficulties where possible, but who can also express themselves authentically while avoiding the pitfalls of rumination and negative thinking that many of us (including myself!) can be prone to.

    If you want to have that 'feel at home' experience what would you do to create it?

    I can relate to what you write about growth, as its been essential in my life, yet I find the human experience to be so complex. Some of us dont have the skills or ability to be resilient for example. Of note many of us have fallen through the net before, or had the square peg, round hole experience, do we repeat the mistakes of the majority, instead do make new mistakes with the aim of inclusion, getting it right from time to time. We are all so utterly different, environmental/social, genetic and developmental factors leaves us as a group incredibly diverse.

    A thought I have had... If I didnt have significant social challenges, perhaps this role would be easier, perhaps then someone without significant social challenges would be better suited to the role, but why would I marginalise myself in this way...

  • Firemonkey:  why would you even entertain that notion?

    It's obvious that people like you here, and on the "other" site as well.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    edited May 25
    I get where you are coming from Robin. Generally I try to focus on constructive help, as I see the mistakes I made and I want a different track for them. Ultimately each member provides something different to the forum.

    I hope that comfort comes from support but like you I hope some personal development can take place.

    My request is that members understand that for us to have a sense of community there has to be an active citizenship. Give and take. We all have our limitations but knowing that we cannot directly solve issues, we can only pass on advice.

    I personally feel a sense of belonging comes from within. Yes people can be excluded in life for all manner of reasons, but in this environment so long as members don't abuse others' good will they can at least have a voice.

    Any time I'm not getting the response I want from others, I try to remind myself to consider 'what if the shoe was on the other foot?'. Would I react differently and if so why? Would I always be able or willing to help? This is a very complex thing, because there are all manner of reasons why, and most if them are not malicious. 





  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    edited May 25
    Lack of replies.  That's par for the course with forums for me. 95%+ of them I don't fit in. Feel socially rejected.

    I'm literal so I take this statement literally. Is it true?

    Well you average 11.5 replies mean, with a median of 8 and a mode of 3. So that is pretty good.

    The median of all the discussions is 11, while the mean higher it is heavily swayed with discussion much more likely to get a lot of posts, such as major current events, games threads, what people are listening to, daily laugh, etc.

    The mode replies (most frequent count) of all the discussions is 0 and you only had two of those.

    So in fact you are pretty successful. I don't think there is anything to indicate what you say.
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    AverageCommentsCategoryCountDiscussions
    162.3333 The Lounge 8
    64.5385 Literature, Art and Music 13
    54.9231 Hobbies 16
    53.1000 The Games Room 11
    46.9091 Council 10
    45.2826 Random Discussion 48
    40.2174 Peer Support 23
    39.3333 Mind and Body Wellbeing 31
    34.8966 Political Theory and History 29
    30.2903 Introductions 31
    26.3333 Relationships 9
    25.4286 Other Conditions 14
    24.6875 Science, Technology and Psychology 17
    24.3000 Media and Entertainment 10
    19.0476 Questions 24
    18.0000 Philosophy, Spirituality and Ethics 12
    16.2000 Information 16
    16.0000 New Member Support 7
    15.8571 Family Support 7
    15.8462 Bugs 13
    15.1000 Advocacy 10
    13.8667 Life Skills 12
    13.6438 General ASD 78
    12.7000 Suggestions 20
    11.8800 News 123
    5.5000 Mentorship 2
    4.9667 Moderation 29
    1.3333Adult4
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    edited May 25
    The table above shows which categories have discussion with the the highest average comments. You have to bare in mind the total discussions in the category and the nature of the discussions and the fact that some discussion have been merged.

    Generally speaking the more broad the scope of discussion and the more that the discussion is directed by what the OP want out of the discussion the more replies it gets.

    This does not mean that short discussion are bad. Short discussion actually are very useful as a resorce. They are easy to understand.

    @Statest I hope you don't mid me using you as an example.

    Statest posts lot of news articles, some of which get replies some of which get no replies that doesn't mean he isn't a valued member here. He is going to get more 0 mode replies becuase he posts more frequently than you. 

    As expected Satest has a mode of 0 a median of 8 and mean of 16.4

    It really is down tot he nature of the discussion and how much scope there is in discussion for replies, and what you want out of the discussion. I don't think comment count on its own is that important. In broad discussions where tangent are possible people have sub discussions, it might have nothing to do with the OP.

    Discussion without tangent may have have less comment but focus on answering a specific question. Nothing wrong with that.

    Just getting replies in on itself is not sign of popularity, it just mean they are able to solicit a response, and likely spend more time on it.

    It is not contest. The only "gamification" here is to ensure people contribute a bit to the community such as  replying to others issues, and open ASD relevant content. But we don't really want to go further with it than we have. This is not Facebook or twitter.
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