I didn't know it would hurt me so much... so I guess I need some safe space to talk about her.
She's extremely intelligent but... that intelligence goes wrong way.
I just recently got vaccinated and all excited, phoned her with all the details. She reacted defensively. Read my excitement as an attack on her. She doesn't want to get vaccinated and she went lenghts and lenghts not to actually tell me what she's afraid of. Instead, she accused me of attacking her and wanting to send her to a labor camp. What the hell?
I'm sad. After all my therapy, building friendships, even establishing civil relations with my inlaws - I learned to be true to myself and it's damn worth it - but I can't be true to myself with my mother. I never know what would trigger a really nasty response, passive agression aimed at inflicting maximum pain.
I learned not to take it personally but it still hurts when it happens.
I once read a book where a term "inner Machiavelli" appeared. I definitely have one. She has, too - but she denies his existence so when her inner Machiavelli takes over, he's totally uncontrolled.
But what are all that her psychological defences guarding? Whad demon hides there, behind all the opaque layers of denial, projection and twisting the reality? I sense some fear and a lot of disgust but that's all I could have ever tell.
Recently, I realized a possible tragic confllict in her: she despises feign but she's incapable of being honest.
Oh, man. Multi-generational C-PTSD sucks.