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How do you deal with common expectations?

This is probably going to differ for everyone but I am sure we all get common expectations. These are the ones I get the most. 

“Are you in college?” 
If I answer no, they ask why and it’s nerve wrecking because my reasons why are considered “unmanly” or even “Satanic”.
If I answer yes, it leads to another expectation: “What are you majoring in? What’s your minor?”
I never once thought about a major or even a minor. In fact, I thought you had to go to college first before you got a job no matter if it was a small or big one. I want to get away when they ask me those things. 

“What church do you go to?”
I don’t attend church and I say so, it leads to the person proselytizing to me and even offering me to attend their church.

”What are you and your wife up to tonight?”
It hurts getting this one, especially since I am 32 and can’t even get a coffee date. Needless to say, when I say no, any potential conversation fizzles out. 

“Do you want a card/flower/chocolate for your better half?”
This happens to me on Valentine’s Day and it hurts as well, especially when I have to say no. 

“Do you want children?”
Another hurtful question. I usually reply that I need a wife first but can’t even get a date. 

“Your siblings are married. Do you have a girlfriend?”
My neighbor asked me this a bit before the pandemic and it ruined the day for me. I wish she understood that it’s not because I don’t want a girlfriend, it’s just that the deck is heavily stacked against me. 


  • Don’t think I’ve ever been asked any of those questions: might be a cultural difference thing 🤔

    1. Never been asked that, but I have been asked “what do you do?” (meaning work), which did leave me gulping and perplexed when I was unemployed: now I help people keep their gardens up for money I get to say I do that... 

    Do you work currently?
    If not: anything that you can do that has a monetary value as a service? see if you can start doing that for one or two people in your neighbourhood for whatever minimum wage is over there. (Wash cars, walk dogs, paint fences... anything <legal> that gets you out of the house, with money in your pocket and gives you a socially acceptable answer to such questions)
    Either way you can then say “No, I [insert your work here].”

    2. Talking religion outside of services and church functions is pretty heavily tabooed over here: I’ve never been asked about my beliefs/absence thereof or practices/lack thereof. Weird: it’s like people asking you who you voted for in the last election or how much money you have in the bank... none of their goddamn business 🧐

    3. Can’t recall ever being randomly asked this either, at least I’ve only been asked it since I got married by folks who I see regularly.

    Could just answer the question and finish by saying “but since I’m not married I get to do it in my underpants whilst belching and farting to my heart’s  content” 😜 

    4. Is this a shop-staff question?
    (nope, never been asked it)
    I just do a minimum effort smile and say “I’m fine, thank you” to shop staff who start asking questions etc. 😉 (never think about the question: their not, it’s just a script they’ve been given by the manager)

    5 & 6. What the actual £@€#❗
    Do people really go round asking folks these things? 😱
    The mind boggles: in your shoes I’d be tempted to come up with one or three stock answers that mock the question... not sure if it’s a good idea though, but it would make me feel better about it 😁
  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    1. "Are you in college?"
    I answer no. If they ask why, I mention I haven't graduated high school yet. If they ask why I haven't graduated I just say I am missing credits.

    2. "What church do you go to?"
    I just say I'm not religious and have no desire to go to church. If they ask why I'm not religious in a baffled way, I say that I am entitled to my views and Christianity doesn't match my beliefs. They don't need any other answers from me and can pound dirt if they want to try to debate with me.

    3. If I am asked anything about "my partner" and I don't have one I just say I don't have a partner and that I enjoy currently being single. Usually shuts down any further questions, whether it's true or not.

    4. "Do you want children?"
    I just say yes, but that I don't think I should or would ever have biological kids as I am autistic... And trans... Don't think that'll work out post HRT. lol

    5. I don't get asked the last question because I'm 20, but if I am asked if I want to ever get married I just say yes, only if I am with someone for long enough.
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    I'm perplexed,I don't understand and have never heard of such things.I have heard people ask some of those questions not the way yu say.

    I avoid those types of people
  • Statest16Statest16 Citizen, Mentor
    edited April 2021

    Could it be a trigger MK,I have experienced this too.

    It sounds like these are question your already insecure about,so it triggers you.
    Does that make sense.
  • Statest16 said:

    Could it be a trigger MK,I have experienced this too.

    It sounds like these are question your already insecure about,so it triggers you.
    Does that make sense.
    When I am asked about things related to my failures such as college and relationships, I do feel triggered. It’s like life is kicking me while I am down. 
  • verityverity Administrator, Citizen
    I suspect if I went to Texas and asked "What are you and your wife up to tonight?" I'd be run out of the state. Definitely never say that. 

    Markness these are thing you are insecure about and that is why you ruminate on it. The issue is this cycle is your road block rather than passing remarks themselves.

    My advice on how to deal with it is CBT. There are responses to questions like that but the main battle is how you process it so you can focus on you goals.
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