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Feeling inferior to other autistic sibling(s)

HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor

Does anyone have a sibling or siblings with autism/autistic traits that they feel overshadowed by in their abilities?

My brother has autism and is a very typical "aspie" in his presentation. He is also very proficient in many skills, has a IQ in the 150s (btw I don't care about IQ, but I've had that shoved in my face a lot so I guess it matters in this topic), seems to be able to learn anything he wants to and has gotten a PHD.

I'm not like that at all. People notice my traits more and I have a harder time with my ADHD (we both have ADHD) and masking my sensory issues, which my dad hates and says makes me seem "retarded." I don't have really any developed skills, and am not really a typical "aspie". I can pick up information quite well but the things I pick up on are not practical.

My parents always get disappointed and angry if I don't meet their expectations of being able to do the things he can do. I often feel bad for not being able to meet everyone's expectations and I can tell that my family is a lot more proud of him and willing to do more things for him. I feel like this insecurity prevents me from doing things, because if I don't pick up on things as easily people will be upset with me and act like I'm wasting my time and their time.

It also seems like my brother looks down on me and doesn't have any patience for my differences, either. He views me as lazy and expects me to achieve and do the same things as easily as he can, but I can't even though I've tried.

Do you have any siblings where you feel like your family favours their presentation of autism, and looks down on you because you don't have the same capabilities they do?

Comments

  • It’s terrible when parents compare your siblings to yourself.

    You definitely succeed in things where your brother doesn’t succeed,

  • AmityAmity Administrator, Citizen

    While I don't have autistic siblings, I can relate to critical parents and comparisons to typically developed peers.

    Your dad, doesnt seem like the kind of person that I would allow to define me.

    I wouldn't take on board the perspective of any family member who is judgemental and lacks an understanding of the Autism Spectrum. As in that it's a spectrum...

    It can be hard to not take these things to heart, but if I were to internalise these perspectives or let them shape my self image I know i would be in an unhealthy place emotionally/psychologically.

  • It seems to me too much more a problem related to parenting than sibling rivalry.

    I'm sorry, Hylian, I strongly empathise with the "can't do anything right" feeling from my own childhood. I'm definitely behind this:

    Your dad, doesnt seem like the kind of person that I would allow to define me.

  • I don't have any autistic siblings, but as Bender and Amity said, I can identify with the feelings of being not good enough. It took me a long time to put that training to rest.

  • This is foolish behaviour from your parents. There's always someone "better" than someone else. There are many who are "better" than your parents, much more successful etc. You'll never measure up to someone who's "better" than you. None of us will. Fwiw I feel like the best thing I did for this community was recommending you as one of its first citizens.

  • Teach51Teach51 Citizen
    edited December 2020

    Story of my life also. In time I learned to compensate for the ADD that had delayed my cognitive development and I learned to detach myself from the negative (and there were only negative) references from my family. I left home, and my country, alone at 19 and became the best person I was able to be. I don't care what others think, I live according to my own moral compass, do my best, and as my signature says, that better be damn good enough.

    *Not autistic and don't have autistic siblings but I relate to you being constantly compared to others and negated. I made a decision after leaving home that I would allow no external criticism to effect how I perceived myself. The more they attacked the more I reinforced myself with positive statements. Having said that I exercise a great deal
    of self-criticism in areas such as integrity and how I treat others which is the most important thing.

  • I don't feel inferior to my brother, but I do envy some of his skills. He's most likely classic Aspergers and he loves to talk on any subject in a "little professor" type of way. His relationship with my mother has always been very close, because they're both very chatty people and they love getting together to talk. I experience mutism and I prefer time to myself. Speech is very difficult for me. I don't think my family understands the depth of my emotions because I have such a hard time expressing myself verbally.

    I don't think that my parents showed favouritism per se, but I do feel very frustrated by the ease with which my mother and brother communicate.

  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor
    edited December 2020

    Thank you guys. I try to focus on not letting my parents get to me as I know they don't really "get" autism and Asperger's and have very outdated views of it. It can be hard to do when your symptoms and issues are treated like you're just lazy, and one of the only other recognized autistic people in your family views you the same way. It gets easier though over time, and being with people lately who actually see my worth and the effort I put into things has definitely helped.

    @Teach51 said:
    Story of my life also. In time I learned to compensate for the ADD that had delayed my cognitive development and I learned to detach myself from the negative (and there were only negative) references from my family. I left home, and my country, alone at 19 and became the best person I was able to be. I don't care what others think, I live according to my own moral compass, do my best, and as my signature says, that better be damn good enough.

    *Not autistic and don't have autistic siblings but I relate to you being constantly compared to others and negated. I made a decision after leaving home that I would allow no external criticism to effect how I perceived myself. The more they attacked the more I reinforced myself with positive statements. Having said that I exercise a great deal
    of self-criticism in areas such as integrity and how I treat others which is the most important thing.

    I'm sorry that you understand this experience so well, but I'm very glad that you were able to remove yourself from that behaviour and not let it effect your view of yourself. So far I've been trying to ignore all the negative comments and just focus on improving myself and developing the skills that I want to develop. It's obvious that a lot of my family won't ever be happy with me as a person or any decision I'll make, but that's honestly fine, not everyone likes everyone and family seems to not be an exception.

    @Isabella said:
    I don't feel inferior to my brother, but I do envy some of his skills. He's most likely classic Aspergers and he loves to talk on any subject in a "little professor" type of way. His relationship with my mother has always been very close, because they're both very chatty people and they love getting together to talk. I experience mutism and I prefer time to myself. Speech is very difficult for me. I don't think my family understands the depth of my emotions because I have such a hard time expressing myself verbally.

    I don't think that my parents showed favouritism per se, but I do feel very frustrated by the ease with which my mother and brother communicate.

    I have a kind of similar issue, where it seems like in general my siblings are able to get along with and communicate with my parents a lot better than I can. Maybe they just are more willing to listen to my siblings more? No matter the reason, it can be very frustrating, and I feel like whenever I try to communicate with them I have the fact I am not able to do that well thrown at me like it's my choosing to have that issue and I get told that I am "cold" towards them. 🙄

  • IsabellaIsabella Citizen
    edited December 2020

    I'm sorry to hear that, @hylian. You seem like such a caring and articulate person, and I'm sure it hurts to be seen as cold or a poor communicator.

    I was just thinking about your original question, and I thought of another example. I have ADHD which makes it hard for me to start / finish tasks, and it's especially hard for me to do tasks on someone else's schedule. My brother doesn't seem to be ADHD but he has OCD like my mother. They're both able to accomplish work to perfection inside and outside of the house, on a schedule, and to each other's satisfaction. When I do tasks for them it's a huge effort on my part and I don't think they realise how much emotional, mental, and sensory energy it requires. I need a LOT of downtime to regroup. I'm sure that when I was growing up I was perceived as lazy, or inferior. I was called 'useless', and I don't think that my brother faced that type of criticism.

    Regardless, I love my brother and I wouldn't trade him for all the world. We are very much alike on the inside, despite how we may present to others.

  • HylianHylian Citizen, Mentor

    @Isabella said:
    I'm sorry to hear that, @hylian. You seem like such a caring and articulate person, and I'm sure it hurts to be seen as cold or a poor communicator.

    I was just thinking about your original question, and I thought of another example. I have ADHD which makes it hard for me to start / finish tasks, and it's especially hard for me to do tasks on someone else's schedule. My brother doesn't seem to be ADHD but he has OCD like my mother. They're both able to accomplish work to perfection inside and outside of the house, on a schedule, and to each other's satisfaction. When I do tasks for them it's a huge effort on my part and I don't think they realise how much emotional, mental, and sensory energy it requires. I need a LOT of downtime to regroup. I'm sure that when I was growing up I was perceived as lazy, or inferior. I was called 'useless', and I don't think that my brother faced that type of criticism.

    Regardless, I love my brother and I wouldn't trade him for all the world. We are very much alike on the inside, despite how we may present to others.

    That's one of the problems with my parents getting frustrated with me doing things, my mother most likely also has OCD and she wants things done "right", and even though I might have OCD our definitions of things being done "right" can be very, very different. I didn't learn to do a lot of basic tasks as a kid until I was older and looked up how to do them myself since if I did it "wrong" she'd become angry and refuse to let me do it, and eventually just stopped teaching me things.

    It's very sad though that our mothers react like this, as while I definitely understand the anxiety associated with OCD I can't imagine treating children like that... I'm very sorry to hear that you were called lazy and useless because of your mother's expectations from her issues and her not understanding your ADHD.

  • My mother told me, when I was about 9 years old , that I'd never be as good as my father. It came at a time when they'd started to argue a lot. Judged on material/occupational terms she's right. Me - never worked,on disability due to severe mental illness vs Father- Who's who entry,retired as diplomatic equivalent of a 1 star general.

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