The Isabella Cheat Sheet
Isabella
Citizen
Alias and associated names: 
Ella Spell
Ella
IsabellaLinton
Issy
Is
Isa
Princess Pillowfort, Duchess of Lilacs and Dim Lights
Emotional Age: 13
I'm Neurodivergent in more ways than I can count:
Professional DX:
Autism Spectrum Disorder: Level 2 Autism
C-PTSD / Complex Trauma Disorder: Based on the years 2002-2009. Intensive trauma therapy ever since
ADHD: Combined Type
Alexithymia: I have no idea what I'm feeling ever, but I try naming emotions to the best of my ability
Synaesthesia: I see or perceive letters, words, numbers, and ideas in specific colours and can't think otherwise
Selective Mutism: I'd call it Involuntary Mutism. I can't stop it, but I don't like it either
Sensory Processing Disorder: Photosensitivity, Hyperacusis, Misophonia. You name it -- I've got it
Hyperlexia: I'm obsessed with reading and books. Not a visual or auditory learner at all
Agoraphobia and Scopophobia: Basically the fear of going outside or being seen
BFRBs and Stims: Off the chart to the point it interferes with daily life
Aphantasia: I only picture things with fleeting, tunnel-vision imagery. I'm profoundly face blind and non-visual
CVA: I had a cerebellar stroke. It causes a blunting of emotions and loss of fine-tuning (emotional and physical)
Meltdowns, Shutdowns, Sensory Overload, and Triggers: 
Despite all of this I'm chill. I'm an extremely loyal friend, a pacifist, an egalitarian, a whack job, and a dreamer.
I love classic rock, progressive and Indie rock, punk, folk, and 70s-80s music.
Guitar is mandatory. Men with 80s eyeliner are a bonus.
I collect vintage anything. I live in the past, in a dream-state most of the time.
I don't feel connected to the real world because I'm always in my head.
I'm a single mother and a proud guardian of many pets. I idolise my brother and my late father who are/ were almost certainly on the spectrum.
You can find me reading Victorian Literature, literary criticism, literary theory, literary biographies, art history, or obsessing about which book to buy next. I will most likely be in my reading room or my pillow fort, with coloured lights and a piece of satin for stimming.
I also do ancestry, knitting, colouring books, and random bursts of sarcasm against people who believe in hierarchies, or hurting others.
Comments
A true Renaissance woman, welcome Isabella :)
Hear hear!
Also, you're sometimes "Ella Spell", but are you ever "Spella"?
That is one hell of an introduction,I would not even try to out do that
Spella, bella ... it's all good.
You can also call me Is.
Statest: I tend to write in terms of objective facts like that, so people can double-check and remember.
Actually writing something heartfelt and descriptive of my personality (like Wolfram) is much harder.
I'm very guarded and private about my specific details.
Best intro I recall ever seeing.
I love the organization of your introduction, Isa.
You said you have "many" pets, how many do you have? I bet they're all lovely animals.
Hi Hylian!
Right now I have a dog, a cat, and a fish. It's the fewest I've had in years, to be honest.
At one point I had four cats and three dogs.
At another point I had a dog, two cats, and about ten different aquaria.
I've also had a bunny, two birds, several hamsters, and a bunch of hermit crabs.
Welcome Isabella , TLDR I was busy shredding and putting my guyliner on
Oh, wow! You have had a lot of pets. Animals are quite a joy to be around though, and taking care of them can be very rewarding, so I can see how you've had so many.
Is there any species you've preferred to have as a pet? I personally enjoy living with dogs over other animals, since they're so energetic and affectionate.
My parents didn't like dogs, so I never had a dog until I moved out. I grew up with cats. In fact, I've never NOT had a cat since I was born. They just keep overlapping.
I like dogs and cats best. Kittens are incredible and I wish I could have an unlimited number.
Older cats can be a bit frustrating when they scratch furniture or rugs, but it's also hard to have a dog and walk him enough because of agoraphobia. I guess overall I'd say I can't live without either now.
Do you have a dog?
Nice intro Is.
How did you end up getting so many assessment done? I struggled to even find an clinician familiar with adult females on the Autism Spectrum.
Also whats your dog like?
Actually I have more diagnoses such as Major Depression and GAD, but I only listed the ones that make me Neurodivergent.
A lot of the diagnoses were grouped together from one doctor.
Hyperlexia and Selective Mutism I got as a child in speech therapy.
After my trauma experience I was in hospital for psychiatry and was screened for CPTSD as well as MDD, GAD, Agoraphobia, etc.
My ASD assessment in 2018 identified CPTSD, Alexithymia, Aphantasia, Synaesthesia, and SPD. They sent me to Occupational Therapy for Autism, Trauma, and SPD. The OT reconfirmed SPD. Then just this year I decided on my own that I wanted an ADHD assessment so I was referred to a Neuropsychiatrist and Neuropsychologist who specialise in ADHD.
I'm actually talking to the Neuropsychiatrist in an hour on Zoom for a medicine check.
My dog is a sweetheart. He's snoring here now lol - more later but I have to get ready for Zoom.
Good luck on Zoom Issy,
Hope to catch you later my dear.
Thanks darling. It was quick and painless. I'm going up from 20mg to 25 mg. We'll see if that helps keep me brain in check. :p
Issy, I love 70's music too. Nice to get to know you better.
Ahh ok that makes sense. It is a lot to take on board after most of your life being without support, was it like a ahh moment of that explains it or did you feel differently about different diagnosis?
Sorry I dont mean to be nosey, but I am curious, because I cant imagine what it would be like.
I'll try to be brief (lol) -- mark my words. :p
I always felt like I didn't fit in. I didn't want to be around people but I had no idea it was a condition and my parents didn't really care so long as I was quiet and stayed in my fort or bedroom. Speech Therapy was mostly for pronunciation and because I had a bizarre British / Boston accent, but the teacher wrote in my files that I was selective mute.
I remember I wanted to grow up and be a psychologist so I could understand "that thing" about me. I knew there was a "thing" but I had no idea what it was or that other people had it too. (I now assume the "thing" I tried to name was Autism). I didn't know I had Synaesthesia until University when they talked about it in Psychology class and I realised that most people didn't think that way. I used to try to figure out why I was so different but none of the labels like social anxiety or insecurity quite summed it up. I had all sorts of sensory issues and stims and didn't even make eye contact as a baby, but I had no idea this was even part of that "thing" I was trying to name. They were unconnected dots.
I pushed onward with Uni and my career not knowing there was an option. I ate my lunches hidden in a storage closet with the lights out, to be alone. It was overwhelming and I had a clinical nervous breakdown from exhaustion. My adrenal system literally stopped working from making too much adrenaline. Still I had to work to keep my house and be a mum and I didn't know I had options or a right to accommodations. Then the trauma years. Then the CPTSD diagnosis and the start of trauma-based therapies. They were good for trauma but still didn't address the question of how I was vulnerable to that situation in the first place, or why I couldn't self-advocate to get out of it. I knew that I still had "that thing" from childhood, years before any clinical experience of trauma. It was hard to get doctors to see beyond my CPTSD to consider who I was beforehand.
Oh, then the stroke. They tried to rehabilitate me back to being Neurotypical with milestones I couldn't achieve, and I realised I'd never met them in the first place. That was another red flag that I had "a thing" about me from childhood, which was atypical. Again I couldn't name it.
My daughter was the first person to say "Autism" to me, because her half-brothers are autistic. She actually said that she assumed I knew I was autistic. I was gobsmacked. That's around the time I started WP. The pieces fell together instantly as they always do for us as adults. There was no doubt in my mind. I was certain beyond any other belief in my life. I had a six month wait for assessment and was formally identified in May 2018. It felt good to understand but I was angry that my parents and teachers had let me suffer so long without intervention or support, or even acknowledgement that there was an issue. The more I learned about my childhood the more I realised I was a very disagreeable child and not as "quiet and perfect" as I thought I had been. Apparently they all knew I had sensory issues and emotional differences, but nothing was done. That was the hardest for me. I struggled sooooo much growing up, and my lack of nonverbal awareness led to years of violence, exploitation, and trauma from which I'll never recover. That was the hardest part to reconcile.
After my ASD diagnosis I kept busy on Autism support sites to understand myself even more. I started to realise there was another piece missing because of my poor attention span. I can't even watch television or movies more than a minute or two before my mind wanders. I didn't know the name for executive dysfunction but when I learned the name I knew I wanted an ADHD exam too. The meds have been helpful but like I've said before, they certainly haven't changed my life and I'll always be my mixed-up self, which is probably OK after all.
:)
"Nosey" is my middle name.
I'm an aspie, after all, am I not? B)
P.S.
More emojis.
Why so cheap?
Do they cost money, or somethin'? :/
Lol, Verity has cracked it, you will be pleased ;)
Isa, that is nuts... you were seen by so many clinical specialists and none of them mentioned Autism, crikey, am glad I went to one specialising in autistic women.
How can a person slip through the cracks like that, how can female autism still be such an unknown, a statement of disbelief rather than questioning.
I can relate very much to that something different, the many things that come close to, but don't describe it.
I was aware of that difference, but post diagnosis I'm keenly aware of just how obviously different I was in ways that I wasnt aware of back then.
To others in my life it must have been blatantly obvious.
The person who diagnosed me with ASD in 2018 was a Neuropsychologist who did specialise in adults. I don't think she specifically specialised in women more than men, but it wouldn't have made a difference in my case because I meet all the DSM criteria (considered male-based). I don't have any masking techniques and I'm not subtle. Maybe it's because I'm Level 2. I could never pass as an NT woman, so I didn't have to break down any barriers to make myself understood in the assessment. I know that some women have a harder time with diagnosis, though.
My frustration is with my parents. I was raised in the 70s and Autism wasn't really known then, but regardless they never took me to a doctor or tried to accommodate me in the home, or show compassion about what I was going through. In conversations with my brother in the past year or two, I've found out that my parents were very frustrated by me. They weren't oblivious. They just didn't do anything about it. I don't even remember them defending me in social situations or talking to me directly about my feelings and needs. The sad thing is that I'm sure my dad was Aspergers but that didn't have a name either. I guess they just thought I was "like him", and left it at that without further inquiry.
My mother used to say I looked retarded if I stimmed (my stimming had no name then). She told a group of women that I was "as useless as tits on a bull". I was raised with that type of dismissal. I had no idea why I was so defective and just assumed it was depression or social anxiety.
It's sad that there are so many words we try to fit into, but none of them are right until we do the reserach ourselves and discover that we're autistic.
The truly astounding part is that many of us identify the autism ourselves.
It seems that unless you seek it out, an adult could continue through life without ever having that moment of recognition.
I only sought it out because like you my health deteriorated and my recovery was non existent. Among other reasons, I needed an answer for why I couldn't heal and why i had lost so many capabilities. Turned out they were learned skills, not innate abilities.
Parental behaviour can leave such a lasting impression, to be publicly othered by your mum, was quite cruel, yet from my perspective it feels quite typical of the era. Much has improved for today's kiddos.
I'm sorry you faced the same difficult journey but glad that you were able to find an answer. I like how you phrased that about learned skills vs innate ones. That's a really good description which I'd never heard in those terms before. It's what I faced in stroke rehab when they tried to make me "normal" and I realised I'd never had any of those skills even before the stroke. The Neurologist, Physiotherapist, and Social Worker thought I was exaggerating my stroke deficits and kept saying "That's not a stroke issue!" whenever I couldn't do something. Well, duh. But I didn't know I was Autistic. They likely saw my differences and thought they were all from the stroke (or exaggerated). It was my turning point in the journey of self-awareness.
Yes, it was quite typical of my parents at that time. I'm hoping you didn't face much of the same.
The internet has been my saving grace and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to be here, getting to know you and others who walked the same hard path.
Kittens are so cute and watching them grow up is so fun. The cats my family have we got as kittens, and the first one was so young she still wobbled around. We got to watch her eyes go from blue to that amber colour, which was cool.
We did have a dog, but she passed away last month. She got old and developed a lot of health issues.
:'(
Hugs -- I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how hard that must be for you.
Welcome, Isabella.
I can’t believe I didn’t welcome you sooner. Sorry about that.
When I realized this, that snapped me into attention and made me focus (I lost focus sometimes, which has prevented me from really succeeding in life).
I hope the weather where you are doing is a Wuthering Tempest.
So happy you are here!
Hey Isabella. Great detailed intro